trying to hold it together

I have always wanted to share a pregnancy with a sibling. When I was 5 months pg with my first, my sister miscarried. I didn't know how to comfort her, and didn't want my joy to upset her. Little did I know, that anyones pregnancy would probably upset her. I know that feeling now. I too have lossed a baby to miscarriage, and my heart aches.

I felt like I was doing okay, until the damn UTI I developed the week after the miscarriage decided it wasn't leaving my body! I had to spend another 2+ hours at the doctors office yesterday to be told that yes the infection was still there, and I would to be on the 3rd round of antibiotics. While I was there, I saw at least 15 pregnant women go in and out...including two high schoolers...it just felt so unfair. I spent a few hours crying last night....I told my husband I just wish I could be a robot right now, so I don't have to feel anything.

Then today, to add salt to the wound, my sister in law tells me she is pregnant. I am happy for her, but hurting so badly, and hoping that she can understand. She is due May 25th. I was to be due May 20th. She had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago, when I was supposed to have my ultrasound. She said she was so sad when I told her I miscarried, because she doesn't have any sisters, and wanted to share the pregnancy with me. I wanted that too.

So today, I am hurt and angry. Angry because it is not fair. I want my baby. I want that joy back. I am so lucky and blessed to have the 2 wonderful kids I have, but they will never get to know their brother or sister. They too have suffered a loss. Jacob wants to know if God will return the baby. He keeps saying things about when we have our baby. I keep telling him our baby is in Heaven, but he wants the baby. He too grieves. He hurts. We all do.

I am holding it together at the moment...but right now its one moment at a time. I take a deep breath, and let it out, sometimes even that feels hard to do right now.