trying to hold it together

I have always wanted to share a pregnancy with a sibling. When I was 5 months pg with my first, my sister miscarried. I didn't know how to comfort her, and didn't want my joy to upset her. Little did I know, that anyones pregnancy would probably upset her. I know that feeling now. I too have lossed a baby to miscarriage, and my heart aches.

I felt like I was doing okay, until the damn UTI I developed the week after the miscarriage decided it wasn't leaving my body! I had to spend another 2+ hours at the doctors office yesterday to be told that yes the infection was still there, and I would to be on the 3rd round of antibiotics. While I was there, I saw at least 15 pregnant women go in and out...including two high schoolers...it just felt so unfair. I spent a few hours crying last night....I told my husband I just wish I could be a robot right now, so I don't have to feel anything.

Then today, to add salt to the wound, my sister in law tells me she is pregnant. I am happy for her, but hurting so badly, and hoping that she can understand. She is due May 25th. I was to be due May 20th. She had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago, when I was supposed to have my ultrasound. She said she was so sad when I told her I miscarried, because she doesn't have any sisters, and wanted to share the pregnancy with me. I wanted that too.

So today, I am hurt and angry. Angry because it is not fair. I want my baby. I want that joy back. I am so lucky and blessed to have the 2 wonderful kids I have, but they will never get to know their brother or sister. They too have suffered a loss. Jacob wants to know if God will return the baby. He keeps saying things about when we have our baby. I keep telling him our baby is in Heaven, but he wants the baby. He too grieves. He hurts. We all do.

I am holding it together at the moment...but right now its one moment at a time. I take a deep breath, and let it out, sometimes even that feels hard to do right now.

a day to reflect....

I was determined to go work out today. Not sure if that is okay with the doctor, but I needed to burn off some steam. I got to the gym after dropping Kaylee off at preschool and saw Darla, a friend from church. She and I decided to go to the park and walk since it was beautiful outside. We talked, and reflected on life. She too is a member of the Miscarriage Club. I think it helped to talk to someone who has been there, done that. I managed to make it thru the morning with no tears. We walked 2.5 miles, and in the times of silence I reflected on what a beautiful world God has given us. It was in the 60's this morning, and the leaves were beginning to fall upon us.

This afternoon, I should have been studying, but I was feeling exhausted. I asked Kaylee to snuggle with me, and she agreed. One and a half hours later, we awoke in a sunbeam. God is good, he knew I needed that nap, but more so, he knew how much I needed my daughter to snuggle like we used to when she was a baby.

Lost

I've never written a blog before, and yet, here I am. I am lost. Where do I begin?

Life is a journey, and I definitely am feeling lost right now. I am sitting on the sofa, knowing I should be studying for the final section of the CPA exam, and yet, I can't focus, I can't get my directional signals to work. You see...I am lost, because I have lost.

Two weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant with my third baby. Oh, the joy and excitement! I searched for a perfect way to tell my husband. I bought a picture frame that had a quote about how babies change the way you look at the world. In place of a picture, I put a note that said see you in May. Well...that isn't going to happen. There will not be a new addition in our family in May. I found out Thursday that I would be losing the baby. I cried, and waited for it to happen. I have never felt such deep hurt and sorrow. I wanted this baby so badly. I can't even explain it.



Saturday morning, I felt horrible, I was cramping badly and the pain killers weren't cutting it. I went to my son's soccer game, because a mom needs to keep going for her other kids. After the game, I came home and just cried while laying on my bed. It hurt, emotionally and physically. I wanted it to end. A few hours later, I knew what was happening...and it had happened. The baby was no longer in me. I feel empty. I joined the "Miscarriage Club" which I never wanted to be a part of.

I find that in the evenings when the other two kids are asleep, and it gets quiet in the house, I lose it. I long for the baby I never got to feel move in me, I long for the morning sickness to come back. I am trying to deal as best I can, but I go from feeling empty, sad and hurt, to raging with anger.

I don't know how to deal with this. I'm lost. I'm empty. I'm hurting.