Lost

I've never written a blog before, and yet, here I am. I am lost. Where do I begin?

Life is a journey, and I definitely am feeling lost right now. I am sitting on the sofa, knowing I should be studying for the final section of the CPA exam, and yet, I can't focus, I can't get my directional signals to work. You see...I am lost, because I have lost.

Two weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant with my third baby. Oh, the joy and excitement! I searched for a perfect way to tell my husband. I bought a picture frame that had a quote about how babies change the way you look at the world. In place of a picture, I put a note that said see you in May. Well...that isn't going to happen. There will not be a new addition in our family in May. I found out Thursday that I would be losing the baby. I cried, and waited for it to happen. I have never felt such deep hurt and sorrow. I wanted this baby so badly. I can't even explain it.



Saturday morning, I felt horrible, I was cramping badly and the pain killers weren't cutting it. I went to my son's soccer game, because a mom needs to keep going for her other kids. After the game, I came home and just cried while laying on my bed. It hurt, emotionally and physically. I wanted it to end. A few hours later, I knew what was happening...and it had happened. The baby was no longer in me. I feel empty. I joined the "Miscarriage Club" which I never wanted to be a part of.

I find that in the evenings when the other two kids are asleep, and it gets quiet in the house, I lose it. I long for the baby I never got to feel move in me, I long for the morning sickness to come back. I am trying to deal as best I can, but I go from feeling empty, sad and hurt, to raging with anger.

I don't know how to deal with this. I'm lost. I'm empty. I'm hurting.